


Phineas and Ferb

by noisyrats



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-21
Updated: 2009-12-21
Packaged: 2017-10-04 22:21:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/34721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noisyrats/pseuds/noisyrats
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>We start out with a normally imaginative day for Phineas and Ferb, until Candace is replaced by a man. This isn't just any man, however; this man makes Perry the Platypus sweat milk.<br/>Nothing too in-depth or reaching outside the bounds of a regular episode.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Phineas and Ferb

**Author's Note:**

  * For [coltsbane](https://archiveofourown.org/users/coltsbane/gifts).



At just past ten o'clock, the amicable Summer was stretching out for a mid-morning nap, its long tail reaching out over a span of two months of promised Best Days Ever. In one neighborhood, down one serene street, in one cozy orange house, one pair of boys had long been awake and had saddled up the 62nd day of Summer vacation with gusto and unbridled enthusiasm.

"So Ferb, what are we gonna do today?" Underneath the single tree in the backyard, Phineas sat with his step-brother, their pet platypus Perry alongside them doing nothing as usual.  
Ferb's answer was as good as any; he turned his round nose towards Phineas and looked straight past him through his askew pair of eyes. Sporting a chipper smile, Phineas looked in the direction Ferb suggested, where, just over the fence, the ice cream truck was coming down the road.   
"Good idea, Ferb! Nothin' like an icey-creamy treat to get the brain juices flowin'." Phineas and Ferb flew out of the backyard and down the sidewalk to meet the ice cream truck at the curb. However, something was wrong--just as the two young boys were digging out scraps of change from their pockets, the truck of frozen delicacies continued on past their house without slowing, leaving Phineas and Ferb with nothing but disappointed confusion.  
"Hey, what just happened?" In desperation, Phineas looked to his step-brother, the one with the distant gaze and the green hair.  
Before Ferb could offer any comforting sentiments to Phineas, the high-pitched squeak of a girl's voice rang down the sidewalk. "Hey Phineas! Whacha doooin'?" She stepped on dainty feet up to the boys, working up her girlish charm with a tilt of her head and a sway of her black hair.  
"Oh, hi Isabella. We just came out to get some ice cream, but the truck just kept going!"  
Isabella gasped, continuing to play her innocent flair. "The ice cream truck went by my house without stopping too!"  
Ferb made his own opinion on the matter known.  
Turning to his step-brother, Phineas's face brightened. "Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today!" Ferb pulled out a blueprint of a complex machine from his pants.  
"I'll get the ice!" Isabella chimed.  
"And we'll get the cream!" Phineas turned towards his house where he would gather the necessary supplies, but paused with a quizzical expression on his nose (which was also his face.) "Hey, where's Perry?"

Back in the yard, a secret hatch had opened in the grassy lawn, and that was where Perry was to be found. Spontaneously, the platypus shed his facade of 'dumb animal' and stood on his two duck-feet, pulled out a brown fedora that materialized in his paw and placed it on his head--he was, it was doubtless now, Agent Perry. Swiftly, he disappeared into the ambiguous entrance, and found himself on an 'up' escalator. This was not the direction he wanted to go. He needed to go down. Looking around, Perry found the emergency stop button, pressed it, and proceeded downwards without mechanical assistance.  
Perry the platypus soon arrived in his own private headquarters, a highly technological room with all sorts of secret agent tools and contraptions, the only one he ever appeared to utilize being the big-screen transmitter television, which Perry presently took his seat in front of as an image of his commander appeared.  
"Hello Agent P.," Major Monogram said, a thick white mustache serving as his upper lip, "uhh, sorry about the escalator. Carl didn't read the manual."  
As Monogram spoke of his scapegoat, a high-pitched, pre-pubescent voice cried from off-screen, "It was in _Chinese!_"  
"It was _upside-down, _Carl!" Major Monogram retorted, shooting a glare off-screen. He cleared his throat. "Anyway, Agent P., Dr. Doofensmirtz is at it again. He's been brainwashing all the ice cream truck drivers in Danville, and we don't know why... but he must be stopped." Perry struck a gesture of salute to demonstrate comprehension and jumped from his rotating chair and into action. "Go get 'um, Agent P.!"

Back at the house, Phineas had forgotten his inquiry to Perry's whereabouts (after all, the platypus had a way with disappearing and reappearing) and had gotten to work on his newest invention.   
"And I was like, 'nuh uh!' and she was like, 'oh yeah?' Actually she said something completely different, but anyway-" Candace's chattering paused and she peered over her seat in the living room to look out into the backyard. "Hold on Stacy," Like a woman on a mission, she snapped her cell phone closed, hanging up instead of putting her friend on hold. Stomping out the back door, Candace's dagger eyes homed in on her brother. "PHINEAS! What do you think you're doing?" She marched up to Phineas and Ferb, where they were putting together some kind of high-tech device or another--it was something bad that little boys shouldn't be building was all Candace needed to know.   
"Hi Candace, we're making an ice cream machine that will distribute ice cream to all the kids in Danville!" Phineas answered his sister as though there was no venom dripping from her fangs. Isabella swooned.  
"Ooooh no you don't! I'm telling Mom!" Candace barked, whipping out her cell phone and speed-dialing her mom while Phineas carried on with the machine.

Meanwhile, across town, Agent P. was launching himself into his nemesis's lair--Doofensmirtz Evil Incorporated.   
The secret agent broke through the window and rolled across the floor, striking a defensive pose as he came to a stop at the feet of the one and only Dr. Doofensmirtz.  
"Perry the Platypus!" The doctor cried in unabashed alarm, his dark-circled eyes widening. "What are you doing here?! I'm- I'm not doing _eeevil_ or anything!" He spoke with a thick, warped German accent of some kind, his voice moving up and down continuously in pitch.   
Perry the Platypus peered skeptically up at Dr. Doofensmirtz, dropping his stance and pointing towards a big, evil-looking device in the middle of the room.   
Following his gesture, Dr. Doofensmirtz blinked. "O-oh, yeah, that. Well... I _was_ planning on brainwashing all the people who drive the ice cream trucks in the Tri-State area due to a tragic childhood event..." He paused as Perry raised an eyebrow at him. "But, now I can't, because my mom is making me go visit her for her birthday." Dr. Doofensmirtz's words were laced with disgust. He walked in his mantis-like posture to the door, where he had his bags packed for the trip. "Sorry for the false alarm Perry the Platypus, I really wish I had something for you to thwart today, but... you know. The whole Mom thing." Perry followed Dr. Doofensmirtz to the door with apathy and walked across the threshold. "Oh and by the way," before Perry left, Dr. Doofensmirtz called out to him, "did you really have to come through the window? I thought we had gotten past breaking in. You _know_ I leave my front door unlocked for you." Dr. Doofensmirtz frowned as Perry offered nothing but a sheepish grin. "...Okay, fine, I forgive you." He waved to Agent Perry dismissively.

His work done, or otherwise done for him, Perry the Platypus returned to his home, taking off his fedora and relaxing onto all fours. He voiced his silly chirpy-purr noise in content and passed Phineas and Ferb as they were finishing their machine before making his way over to his bed on the living room floor. Curling up under his beaver tail, Perry closed his eyes and dropped into a nap predictable of a platypus that didn't do much. 

Distantly, the doorbell rang.  
"I hope you don't mind staying in a girl's room." Phineas's voice. He must have a friend over.  
"Oh no, I don't mind at all!" That voice sounded familiar...  
"Okay good, Mom will be home any minute to meet you!" What was Phineas talking about?  
"Oh okay... Oh, what, what is that? A pet platypus? He looks so cuddly!" At that moment, Perry felt himself lifted unceremoniously from his warm bed and his eyes snapped open. He found himself staring into two bulbous blue eyes.  
"Yeah, that's Perry. He doesn't do much, but he sure is cute." Perry glanced down from the pair of hands he was held in and saw Phineas standing next to a tall, lanky man in a black turtle-neck and a lab coat. As the heavy feeling of sleep wore off, Perry looked in disbelief up and down the man that held him. It was his nemesis, Dr. Doofensmirtz, who gripped him firmly but gently around his belly, holding him close enough to his face that Perry could easily smell his breath. It smelled like he had brushed his teeth but not his tongue. It was minty but stinky.  
Perry squirmed in Dr. Doofensmirtz's grasp; fortunately he was well-trained and maintained his guise as a domestic animal. "Perry? Hmm, I know a platypus named Perry..." Perry the platypus stared wide-eyed as Dr. Doofensmirtz lowered his long, pointy nose level with Perry's duck-bill and gazed scrutinizingly into his eyes. Milk perspired in nervous amounts from Perry's skin.  
Perry chirped.  
Phineas chuckled but Dr. Doofensmirtz's prying eyes remained. "Anyway, it'll be fun having a temporary older brother! Although I don't remember Candace mentioning an exchange-a-person program. She must have been too excited to remember." Phineas grinned ignorantly.   
"Huh?" Dr. Doofensmirtz looked away from Perry's fish-eyed gaze, recalling the orange-haired boy at his knee. "Oh, right, the exchange-a-person-inat-- er, I mean program." He placed the platypus back into his bed, where the animal's chest heaved from suppressed nerves. "I'm sure your sister will have so much... _fun_ with my family..." A conniving grin tore across his lips as he wrung his hands. Perry stared at the body language typical of a mad scientist.  
Thankfully, the front door opened and drew Phineas and Dr. Doofensmirtz's attention away from Perry. While everyone was distracted, Perry inched out of his bed and disappeared around the corner.

A woman with long red hair and matronly features walked into the house, carrying with her a brown paper sack full of groceries. "Kids, I'm home. Hello, Phineas."  
"Hi Mom!" Phineas walked beside his mom towards the kitchen, where Dr. Doofensmirtz was waiting. "Mom, this is Heinz. He and Candace switched places as part of an Exchange-a-Person program. Neat, huh?"  
Phineas's mom regarded Dr. Doofensmirtz uncertainly upon hearing this news, her mouth forcing itself into a smile. "Oh, um, nice to meet you, Heinz... Call me Mrs. Fletcher."  
Dr. Doofensmirtz's smile broadened as he beheld his new 'mom'. "Oh, helloooo, nice to meet you!" There was an unmistakable mischeivious undertone to his words.  
Discomfort pursed Mrs. Fletcher's lips. She took her son's hand and led him into the kitchen; she set the brown bag on the counter and leaned down to whisper in Phineas's ear, "Honey, how old is this man? And what is this 'Exchange-a-Person program'?"  
Before Phineas could answer, Dr. Doofensmirtz had followed the two into the kitchen and peeked into the grocery bag. "Is this what you're making for dinner tonight?" He dug into the bag with interest and set the items out onto the counter. "Can I help you cook? Please?" The opportunity to have a new mom seemed to have been invoking nostalgia.  
Mrs. Fletcher blinked, taken aback. "Oh, well... yes, yes of course you can help!" She eased up, pleased to have an eager set of hands.  
Making his way towards the back door, Phineas waved to his mom and Heinz. "Great, I'm going to go help Ferb in the backyard. We're making ice cream."  
"Don't eat too much, I'm making dinner soon." Mrs. Fletcher began to put things into the cabinets. "Heinz, would you be a dear and take this shampoo to the upstairs bathroom?"  
Dr. Doofensmirtz took the bottle she handed to him, a youthful smile on his face. "Okay!" And he walked in his mantis-like posture towards the stairs.  
As he left the kitchen, he heard Mrs. Fletcher say distantly, "I wonder where Candace got the idea to do something like this, so unlike her..."  
Humming contentedly in his off-pitch trill, Dr. Doofensmirtz carried the shampoo to the bathroom. "What a nice family my Exchange-a-Person-inator switched me with! Now I won't ever have to bear my mother and my goody-two-shoes brother ever again...!" A maniacle laugh jumped to his lips, but it was dispelled before it began by a leathery, webbed foot. Dr. Doofensmirtz was thrown onto the floor by whatever had collided with his face, the shampoo bottle dropping onto the floor. "OW, what the heck was that- PERRY THE PLATYPUS?" Dr. Doofensmirtz was face-to-face with his nemesis, the green platypus with a fedora who presently stood on top of Dr. Doofensmirtz's chest. Eyeing the man with a serious glower, Agent Perry chittered angrily. He strode up Dr. Doofensmirtz's unbuilt torso, grabbed him by the collar of his lab coat, and yanked his head up to give him an intimidating leer.  
A knot traveled down Dr. Doofensmirtz's throat. "I know what you're thinking Perry the Platypus, and I'm telling you I didn't even think of creating the Exchange-a-Person-inator until _after_ you had left!" Perry's eyes were nearly touching Dr. Doofensmirtz's. "...Honest! Take it from an evil scientist...Or, wait, maybe not." Dr. Doofensmirtz fumbled for words, still flat on his back in the middle of the hallway. "You see, after you left, I started thinking about how much I really despise family reunions, and-" Perry snapped a paw onto Dr. Doofensmirtz's lips and held them closed. Dr. Doofensmirtz looked up at the platypus quizzically, and Perry shoved a picture of a teenaged girl into his face. Dr. Doofensmirtz squinted. "You know, it's really hard to tell what this is when you're holding it this close to my face. It's all blurry, and I can see that portion of my nose that always gets in the way-" Perry rolled his eyes and held the picture an inch or two back. "Ooh, you want to know where that girl is that I switched places with! Well, my Exchange-a-Person-inator put her in my place at my mom's house, hehe, pretty eeeevil don't you think?" A silent, exasperated sigh parted Perry's bill, and he drew his fist back, aiming it for Dr. Doofensmirtz's protruding nose.  
"There you are, Heinz!" It was Phineas, Ferb close behind. "Mom's looking for you. Oh, hey Perry."  
Dr. Doofensmirtz tilted his head back to look up at Phineas and Ferb from his position on the floor. When he looked back to the spot where Agent Perry had been standing on his chest, there was nothing there but a mindless pet platypus. It was awfully cute.  
Ferb picked the shampoo bottle off the floor and Phineas tapped his chin. "Couldn't find the bathroom, huh? I'll have to give you another tour." Befuddled, Dr. Doofensmirtz picked himself and the pet platypus up, looking all around for wherever Perry the Platypus had gone off to. "C'mon, Ferb and I want to show you our ice cream distributor machine. We don't need it anymore since the ice cream trucks are stopping for kids again, but it's still pretty cool." Phineas and Ferb waited at the top of the stairs for Dr. Doofensmirtz, who was still dazed about what had happened.

The three went into the backyard, where, at the far end, the ice cream distributor machine stood in its glory. Dr. Doofensmirtz's jaw dropped--never had he seen such a device assembled by mere _kids_. Were these the evil scientists of the future?! But that was a thought for another episode.  
"We're just about to try it out on our neighborhood! Would you like to watch?" Phineas bounded over to the control panel, his fingers skimming over the buttons. Ferb stared at Phineas until he moved to the side, and Ferb took his place.  
Dr. Doofensmirtz gaped. "Uh, er, well, I... does this actually work?" He tapped the machine with his knuckles. "An ice cream distributor-inator?"  
"Yeah, but... without the 'inator' part."  
Ferb switched on the machine, and through little windows, the three watched as different kinds of ice cream were put together; Phineas with his typical unconditional grin and Dr. Doofensmirtz with his teeth clenched anxiously. "Hey, let's send some ice cream to Candace! All we gotta do is input the latitude and longitude..." Phineas glanced up at Dr. Doofensmirtz expectantly.

Behind them, as Dr. Doofensmirtz helped Ferb figure out the position of his mother's house, Agent P. was yet again in action. He crept towards Phineas, Ferb and Dr. Doofensmirtz, his stealth a strict necessity as he prowled through the grass, his brown fedora in place. Once he was close enough, Perry shut his eyes tightly, took a breath, and performed his famous tail-smack right into Dr. Doofensmirtz's hiney.  
Dr. Doofensmirtz cried out in shock, his wail heard from all ends of Danville as he was propelled into the air by Perry the Platypus's blow. Phineas and Ferb watched in amazement as Dr. Doofensmirtz flew up and then back down, landing with a 'whump' right into the ice cream distributor machine.  
Phineas and Ferb exchanged glances. "Well, that can't be good."  
The ice cream distributor machine trembled and shook, spewing smoke and bits of hardware. Dr. Doofensmirtz sat wide-eyed in the tunnel that was meant to shoot the ice cream to its destination, pressure building up underneath his bottom.  
In a sudden moment, the ice cream distributor machine exploded, and a charred and burnt Dr. Doofensmirtz rocketed far off into the sky. The last thing Phineas and Ferb ever heard of him was a cry that made no sense to them. "Curse you, Perry the Platypus!"  
Phineas and Ferb glanced down at their pet platypus, who stood between them in the grass. He chirped.  
Consequetively, a limo pulled up in front of their house. Out of the back seat stepped none other than the boys' sister, Candace.  
"Thanks for the ride, Mr. Mayor." Candace said with a less-than-pleasant vexation. The limo drove off, and Candace marched towards the house, where Phineas and Ferb were there to meet her.  
"Hey Candace, how was the Exchange-a-Person program?" Phineas asked as they walked into the living room.  
Candace faced her brother, her hands balled into fists. "I don't know what you did this time Phineas, but you sent me to some weird place called 'Gimelschtump' and I had to fly home in the Mayor's private jet!"  
Phineas smiled up at his sister. "Wow, sounds like you had a lot of fun, Candace."  
Candace glared down at her brother.  
"Kids, dinner's ready," Mrs. Fletcher stuck her head out from the kitchen. "Oh, there you are, Candace. Who wants strudel?"


End file.
